Sweet Nothing
by Karkalicious769
Summary: Your name is KARKAT VANTAS and you're a cutter. You never thought anyone would notice. Hell, you never thought IT MATTERED. All you want is for SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT YOU. You just hope someone does something before IT'S TOO LATE. Before you decide that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and make real use of the KNIFE in your pocket.


**A/N: A word of warning. This, in case you couldn't tell by the summary, is a sadstuck. Meaning, because I'm a sadist when it comes to writing, it will end badly. I just thout you should know! ^-^ Enjoy!**

 **Also, this is a oneshot, so there shall be no second chapter or sequel or clarification or anything like that. Just so you know.**

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Your name is Karkat Vantas and you're a cutter.

You never thought anyone would notice. Hell, you never thought it mattered.  
It started small, but doesn't everything? You would just give yourself a little nick on the underside of your calf every now and then with the razor. Not the wrists. Never the wrists, because that was too easy; that meant you were seeking attention. Or at least, that's what the internet said, and you weren't, dammit. Attention wasn't, and never will be, your goal. This wasn't some weird cry for help. You didn't _want_ help. It wasn't as if anyone would notice anyway. That would be too easy. To simple for someone like you. So of course, it didn't happen.  
You didn't want them to notice. You didn't want anti-depression pills or a regular therapist. You just wanted the hole in your gut to feel a little less empty. Was that to much to ask for? You didn't think so.  
It grew from there, though, just like it always does. You quickly found out why people preferred cutting their their arms: it hurt more, and you relished in the pain, even if the location was a bit cliche. After a few weeks, you started wearing long sleeves to keep your dirty little habit a secret from prying eyes. Nobody ever questioned it. It was the beginning of fall. Why would anybody question it? Hell, for them to question it, they'd have to notice you were there first. And nobody ever did. That was kind of why you started in the first place.  
Some days, you wished you weren't there, though. Some days, it didn't seem worth it. You got up, you went to school, you fought your way through class, you ate lunch alone, you struggled with your homework, you came home. And whenever you were at school, all you saw was _her_. Jade Harley.  
Also known as, the girl you had fallen head over heels in love with ever since you were assigned to be lab partners in the seventh grade. But whenever you saw her, _he_ was never far behind. Dave Strider, her boyfriend. He didn't deserve her though. No one did, least of all you. She was the real reason you started, the girl you could never have, even if you didn't want to admit it. So you suffered through the school day alone, and sometimes you would catch Dave and Jade hugging or kissing or holding hands in the hallway.  
On those days, the blade dug a little deeper and you ate a little less.  
You could feel yourself deteriorating little by little. Your jeans were looser around your hips and your t-shirts were a bit too baggy. No one noticed.  
You saw your parents less and less, because they learned never to check your room, and you rarely left it. They were never home anyway. _Work_ , they always said. Your brother was never there either. He had friends and after school clubs and grades to keep up and a boyfriend to pay attention too. _Always_ work. _Always_ school. Always _something_. But never _you_.  
You didn't care though. It didn't matter. There was essays for English to write, and stories to get lost in. There were romcoms to watch and cry over and happy endings to day dream about. There was not a single _fucking_ reason for you to interact with the outside world at all.  
Every day was the same.  
Until the one day it wasn't.  
You were desperate, one day at school, and during Math, you asked to be excused for the bathroom. You left the classroom and you just couldn't wait until you reached the bathroom to do it so, in the middle of the hallway, you pulled the knife you always carried out of your pocket, rolled up your sleeve, and just _cut_.  
You didn't think someone would be behind you. And you _really_ didn't think that, out of all the people in the school who you could have bribed to keep quiet and walk away, that the someone behind you would be Jade.  
By that point in time, you had formed a steady friendship Jade, and your heart nearly stopped beating altogether when she crushed her form against your back, hugging you so tight you couldn't breathe, whispering choked apologies into your ear, ragged promises that she'd be there for you, that she was always there for you, that she was so goddamn _sorry_ she'd ever let you feel like you were fighting against the world alone.  
You push your sleeves back down and pull away, turning to face her breathlessly. You think about denying it, about laughing it off and telling her she must have been imagining the whole thing.  
But then she yanks up your sleeve, her fingers playing over your old scars and the fresh wounds.  
And you break.  
She's there as you sink to the floor, her arms surprisingly strong around you but maybe that was just because you were feeling so weak. She asks you what you need, her voice full of anxious concern, and you say through choked sobs, "This, just _this_." because all you've ever needed is someone to be there when you're weak, to hold you when you can't stand, to be your backup when the world is too much.  
She asks you why you didn't say anything or get help or _anything_ and you shrug helplessly. After all, what was there to say?  
"Say something," she says. "Anything at all."  
"I didn't think it mattered." You say through your tears, clutching her smaller frame like it's the only thing anchoring you to reality. "No one seemed to care, and I didn't either, so I just… and it went from there." You say lamely as she comforts you.  
"I care." She whispers so quietly that you have to strain to hear her. "I've always cared." She continues and before you can ask what she means, you feel something soft pressing against your lips. It takes a moment, but you realize that _she_ was kissing _you_. And before you can stop yourself, you begin kissing back. You briefly think about Dave, but then you remember that they broke up months ago. And for the first time in what was probably _years_ , you smile and place your hands on her waist. You hold her tighter, bringing her closer as she wraps her arms around your neck, and you knew that _this_ , the beautiful woman in front of you, was all you ever really needed. And the fact that you actually have her is just to hard to believe. You want to believe so badly though, and so you do, kissing back with increased desperation. She responds accordingly and you almost whimper in disappointment when she pulls away.  
"I've wanted to do that for so long." She whispers against your lips, staring at you with half-lidded emerald eyes. Her gaze was smoldering and they were so distracting that you were speaking before you had even considered the words.  
"Me too, beautiful." You breathe. You regret the words immediately and expect her to be offended, but she just smiles and kisses you again and you are so happy. This time, you're the one to pull away and, on a hunch, you roll up her sleeves. Her arms, once so pale and perfect, are marked up and down and sideways by old, faded scars, not a single recent one in sight. You look up her, expecting an explanation, but she just smiles. "Nice try, but we're discussing you right now, Karkat." You curse her for being so smart and berate yourself for loving the way your name sounds coming from her lips. For now though, you just nod and she seems to accept this answer, proceeding to smile even wider. "You're so perfect." You mutter, tracing one of her scars as you tuck a strand of midnight black hair behind her ear. She doesn't say anything, just blushes, and you reach into your pocket and pull out the knife. You hesitate before handing it to her. It's a promise and a symbol of trust and you can tell that she understand as she gives you a shaky smile and pockets the object. You kiss the tip of her nose and she giggles and you think it's the most beautiful sound in the world and you lean in to kiss her again...

But then you wake up.

The storm outside has only increased since you fell asleep and the thunder is now on nerve-wracking levels. That must be why you woke up at - you quickly check the time - three in the morning. You glance over at the calendar you keep hanging about your nightstand. June 12th. Today is your birthday, but you don't care. It's a meaningless day. The only reason that it's circled on your calendar is because today is Jade's wedding. You doubt she was aware that it was also your birthday when she and Dave picked the date. You were never that close to either of them.  
You stand up and make your way to the bathroom. You grab the pre-written letter and the knife you had given to Jade in the dream.  
God, that was such a nice dream…  
To bad it never happened. You take the knife and, without a second thought, slit your throat. You lay the note on your chest as you hit the ground, not making a sound as the blood pools in your lungs, slowly drowning you. Kanaya will be over in the morning along with her girlfriend, Rose, you go with you to the wedding. To bad you won't be alive by then. To bad no one ever cared in the first place.  
You smile softly and touch the note before your entire world darkens and you're gone.

Hours in the future, but not many, Jade would be handed a blood-splattered note with her name on it as she received the news about your suicide from a tearful Kanaya. She opens it and immediately begins crying. It held only three words, but it was three words that would be permanently etched into her brain.

 _I love you_

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 **A/N: I considered making this a happy ending, but that would be too easy! *insert evil laughter***


End file.
